The philosopher explains to his pupil how each of us is able to determine our own life, free. Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 20th-century psychology, The Courage to Be Disliked follows an illuminating conversation between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher explains to his pupil how each of us is able to determine our own life, free from the shackles of past experiences, doubts, and the expectations of others.
It's a way of thinking that is deeply liberating, allowing us to develop the courage to change and to ignore the limitations that we and other people have placed on us. The result is a book that is both highly accessible and profound in its importance. Millions have already read and benefited from its wisdom. This truly life-changing audiobook will help you declutter your mind of harmful thoughts and attitudes, helping you to make a lasting change, achieve real happiness, and find success.
Short-link Link Embed. Share from cover. Over the course of five conversations, the philosopher helps his student to understand how each of us is able to determine the direction of our own life, free from the shackles of past traumas and the expectations of others.
Rich in wisdom, The Courage to Be Disliked will guide you through the concepts of self-forgiveness, self-care, and mind decluttering. It is a deeply liberating way of thinking, allowing you to develop the courage to change and ignore the limitations that you might be placing on yourself.
This plainspoken and profoundly moving book unlocks the power within you to find lasting happiness and be the person you truly want to be. Millions have already benefited from its teachings, now you can too. What if one simple choice could unlock your destiny? To be read on its own or as a companion to the bestselling first book, The Courage to Be Happy reveals a bold new way of thinking and living, empowering you to let go of the shackles of past trauma and the expectations of others, and to use this freedom to create the life you truly desire.
Plainspoken yet profoundly moving, The Courage to Be Happy will illuminate your life and brighten the world as we know it. Discover the courage to choose happiness. A thought-provoking read. A real game-changer - Marie Claire. Already an enormous bestseller in Asia, with more than 3 million copies sold, The Courage to be Disliked demonstrates how to unlock the power within yourself to be the person you truly want to be.
Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 19th century psychology alongside Freud and Jung, it follows an illuminating conversation between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher explains to his pupil how each of us is able to determine our own lives, free of the shackles of past experiences, doubts and the expectations of others. It's a way of thinking that's deeply liberating, allowing us to develop the courage to change, and to ignore the limitations that we and those around us can place on ourselves.
With blank, lined pages in a simplistic yet elegant design, this journal is perfect for recording notes, thoughts, opinions, and takeaways in real-time as you read. Divided into sections and parts for easy reference, this journal helps you keep your thoughts organized.
You choose your lifestyle. When I became aware, I already had this personality. Your first choice was probably unconscious, combined with external factors you have referred to; that is, race, nationality, culture, and home environment. These certainly had a significant influence on that choice.
How on earth could I have chosen it? Would that even matter? If your lifestyle is not something that you were naturally born with, but something you chose yourself, then it must be possible to choose it over again.
Of course, no one can choose his or her own birth. Being born in this country, in this era, and with these parents, are things you did not choose.
And all these things have a great deal of influence. The issue is not the past, but here, in the present. But what you do with it from here on in is your responsibility.
People can change at any time, regardless of the environments they are in. You are only unable to change because you are making the decision not to. You describe yourself as an unhappy person. You say that you want to change right this minute.
You even claim that you want to be reborn as a different person. After all that then, why are you still unable to change? It is because you are making the persistent decision not to change your lifestyle. I do want to change; that is my sincere wish. So, how could I be making the decision not to?
It might rattle a bit, but one can take that into account and manoeuvre easily. It will be hard to see ahead to the future, and life will be filled with anxiety. A more painful and unhappy life might lie ahead. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing.
I am sure you have selected the latter. Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage. Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy. This is getting confusing. First, you tell me that the world is a simple place.
That it only seems complicated because of me, and that my subjective view is making it that way. And also, that life just seems complicated because I make it complicated, all of which is what makes it difficult for me to live happily. You say that people act to achieve some goal or other, instead of being creatures who are driven by causes in their past. That people are always selecting their own lifestyles. Have I got anything wrong? What do I need to do to change my life?
What you should do now is make a decision to stop your current lifestyle. I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but who never seems to be able to complete his work. But is that the real reason? He wants to live inside that realm of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time, or that he could write if he just had the proper environment, and that he really does have the talent for it.
If he did, he might grow, or discover that he should pursue something different. Either way, he would be able to move on. That is what changing your current lifestyle is about. Your philosophy is too tough! Yes, I agree. Do not forget this point: one will have to change. You, just as you are, have to choose your lifestyle.
It might seem hard, but it is really quite simple. I am always here, so you can visit whenever you like. I enjoyed it. Thank you. One last thing, if I may. Our discussion today was long and got pretty intense, and I guess I spoke rather rudely. For that, I would like to apologise. He had turned things over in his mind very carefully, and his doubts had turned to certainty.
In short, teleology, the attributing of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause, was a sophistry, and the existence of trauma was beyond question. People cannot simply forget the past, and neither can they become free from it. What do you find questionable about them? But, of course, I still want to. You explain everything as having to do with goals, but what kind of goal could I have here? I mean, what kind of advantage could there be in my not liking myself? In other words, your self-esteem is extremely low.
So, the questions here, then, are why do you feel so wretched? And, why do you view yourself with such low esteem? First, understand this point. To you, not liking yourself is a virtue. What sort of shortcomings do you think you have? An unpleasant mood, naturally. Well, that settles it then. I use this study for simple counselling sessions. It must have been quite a few years ago, but there was a female student who came by. She sat right where you are sitting now, in the same chair.
Well, her concern was her fear of blushing. She told me that she was always turning red whenever she was out in public, and that she would do anything to rid herself of this.
All right, it sounds like the typical thing a female student would seek counselling for. In order for her to confess her feelings for him, first she had to cure her blushing problem. I have a different opinion.
Why did she get this fear of blushing? Because she needed that symptom of blushing. It was that the man would reject her, of course. This aspect is deeply present in adolescent unrequited love. It could end without her ever working up the courage to confess her feelings to him, and she could convince herself that he would reject her anyway. And finally, she can live in the possibility that If only my fear of blushing had gotten better, I could have … YOUTH: Okay, so she fabricated that fear of blushing as an excuse for her own inability to confess her feelings.
Or maybe as a kind of insurance for when he rejected her. Students preparing for their exams think, If I pass, life will be rosy. Company workers think, If I get transferred, everything will go well. But even when those wishes are fulfilled, in many cases nothing about their situations changes at all. If they do, recovery is likely to be even more difficult. That is the Adlerian psychology way of thinking about this kind of thing.
So, whatever happened to her? Of course, she never dropped by this study again after that. Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you focus only on your shortcomings, and why have you decided to not start liking yourself? In other words, your goal is to not get hurt in your relationships with other people. The answer is easy. When you enter into interpersonal relationships, it is inevitable that to a greater or lesser extent you will get hurt, and you will hurt someone, too.
Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them. To feel lonely, we need other people. But such a thing is impossible. Even if you lived on an uninhabited island, you would think about someone far across the ocean. As long as there is someone out there somewhere, you will be haunted by loneliness. If all interpersonal relationships were gone from this world, which is to say if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.
Living completely separate from others is, in principle, impossible. Sure, interpersonal relationships are probably a big problem. That much I acknowledge. What about the worry of being cut off from interpersonal relationships, the kind of problems that an individual agonises over as an individual; problems directed to oneself. Do you deny all that? Whatever the worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present. Human beings have loftier, greater problems than things like interpersonal relationships.
What is happiness, what is freedom? And what is the meaning of life? Interpersonal relationships are everything? It seems kind of pedestrian to me. These assertions shook the youth to his very core.
The words had an undeniable truth that seemed to pierce his heart. Even so, he had to find a clear rebuttal to the statement that all the problems that people experience are interpersonal relationship problems. When you first met me, what was your impression? In terms of physical characteristics. Be direct. I am centimetres tall. Adler was apparently around the same height. There was a time—until I was right around your age, actually—when I was concerned about my height.
I was sure that things would be different if I were of average height, twenty or even just ten centimetres taller. As if a more enjoyable life were waiting for me. Some friend. With someone small like me, on the other hand, people let go of their wariness. So, it made me realise that having a small build was a desirable thing both to me and to those around me.
In other words, there was a transformation of values. Sure, my centimetres is less than the average height, and an objectively measured number. But the issue is really what sort of meaning I attribute to that height; what sort of value I give it. That is to say, in my interpersonal relationships.
Right now, you too are suffering from various feelings of inferiority. But please understand that what you are feeling is not an objective inferiority, but a subjective feeling of inferiority. Of course, this is a subjective interpretation.
However, there is one good thing about subjectivity: it allows you to make your own choice. Precisely because I am leaving it to subjectivity, the choice to view my height as either an advantage or disadvantage is left open to me. We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world. We talked about this at the very beginning, right?
Then, what on earth could this value be? Or currency. We find particular values for these things, and say that one carat is this much, that prices are such and such. But if you change your point of view, a diamond is nothing but a little stone. The value given to a one-dollar bill is not an objectively attributed value, though that might be a commonsense approach.
If one considers its actual cost as printed material, the value is nowhere near a dollar. Following exactly the same logic, there should have been no reason at all for me to worry about my height. The problem of value in the end brings us back to interpersonal relationships again. YOUTH: So, this connects to what you were saying about all problems being interpersonal relationship problems? Even the businessman who amasses enormous wealth, the peerless beauty who is the envy of all, and the Olympic gold medallist—every one of them would be plagued by feelings of inferiority.
How should I think about this? First of all, people enter this world as helpless beings. And people have the universal desire to escape from that helpless state. For instance, a toddler learns to steady himself on both legs. He has the universal desire to learn language and to improve. And then? One holds up various ideals or goals, and heads toward them. If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth. One wants to be happier.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the state of this kind of feeling of inferiority. There are, however, people who lose the courage to take a single step forward, and who cannot accept the fact that the situation can be changed by making realistic efforts. This is an utter misuse of the term. The nuances of abnormality are especially strong when it comes to the mother complex and the father complex. You understand this point now, right? As Adler says, the feeling of inferiority can be a trigger for striving and growth.
It is an inferiority complex. Where am I wrong? That is to say, you convince yourself that there is some serious causal relationship where there is none whatsoever. YOUTH: But even so, the reality is that having a good education makes it easier to be successful in society. I had thought you were wise to the ways of the world. What kind of reasoning is that? Put the other way around, the reasoning can be, If only I were well educated, I could be really successful.
As Adler points out, no one is capable of putting up with having feelings of inferiority for a long period of time. Feelings of inferiority are something that everyone has, but staying in that condition is too heavy to endure forever. This is getting pretty confusing. The condition of having a feeling of inferiority is a condition of feeling some sort of lack in oneself in the present situation. How to compensate for the part that is lacking.
The healthiest way is to try to compensate through striving and growth. The inferiority complex can also develop into another special mental state. At that point, the person thinks of trying to compensate in some other fashion, and looks for an easier way out. And by doing that, one lets it be known that one is special.
In other words, they have signs of a superiority complex. This is a point that must be emphasised. Can you give me a different example? Someone who clings to his past glory, and is always recounting memories of the time when his light shone brightest. Maybe you know some people like this. All such people can be said to have superiority complexes. Yes, it is an arrogant attitude, but he can boast because he actually is superior.
Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves. This is a full-blown superiority complex. YOUTH: So, though one would think from the sound of the words that inferiority complex and superiority complex were polar opposites, in actuality they border on each other?
It is a pattern leading to a particular feeling of superiority that manifests due to the feeling of inferiority itself becoming intensified. Take the fact that I am short, for instance. They use their misfortune to their advantage, and try to control the other party with it. By declaring how unfortunate they are and how much they have suffered, they are trying to worry the people around them their family and friends, for example , and to restrict their speech and behaviour, and control them.
The people I was talking about at the very beginning, who shut themselves up in their rooms, frequently indulge in feelings of superiority that use misfortune to their advantage.
The baby rules and cannot be dominated. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him. Completely understanding the feelings of the person who is suffering is something that no one is capable of. The youth and philosopher had now covered a series of discussion topics: the feeling of inferiority, the inferiority complex, and the superiority complex.
The youth calmly opened his mouth to speak. What are we supposed to do? Adler does not uphold such attitudes, of course. Keep that image in mind. Though the distance covered and the speed of walking differ, everyone is walking equally in the same flat place. And, of course, there is no need to compare oneself with others. Gender, age, knowledge, experience, appearance—no two of us are exactly the same. And that we are not the same, but we are equal.
Everyone is different. Whatever differences we may have, we are all equal. Idealistically speaking, I suppose so.
Would you really say, for instance, that I, an adult, and a child who is still struggling with his arithmetic, are equal? The child might not be able to tie his shoes properly, or figure out complicated mathematical equations, or be able to take the same degree of responsibility as an adult when problems arise.
My answer is the same. Human beings are all equal, but not the same. One interacts with the child with sincerity, as another human being just like oneself.
All people are equal. Those who move forward are superior, and those who pursue them from behind are inferior. It does not matter if one is trying to walk in front of others or walk behind them. It is as if we are moving through a flat space that has no vertical axis. We do not walk in order to compete with someone. It is in trying to progress past who one is now that there is value. I do not think about gaining status or honour, and I live my life as an outsider philosopher without any connection whatsoever to worldly competition.
That you somehow accepted defeat? I withdrew from places that are preoccupied with winning and losing. When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way. Young folks like me have to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps amid the tension of competition.
But, in many cases, a competitor will not be your comrade. That was the basis for our discussion on feelings of inferiority. The subject of feelings of inferiority was too intense, and I was on the verge of forgetting that point. Why did you bring up the subject in the first place? Please remember that. In your relations with them, you will have no choice but to be conscious of victory or defeat.
Because one is constantly comparing oneself to others and thinking, I beat that person or I lost to that person. Now, what kind of being do you think the other person is to you, at that point? Before you know it, you start to see each and every person, everyone in the whole world, as your enemy. In short, that the world is a terrifying place. Because to them, the world is a perilous place that is overflowing with enemies. Are they really watching you around the clock, and lying in wait for the perfect moment to attack?
It seems rather unlikely. A young friend of mine, when he was a teenager, used to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror arranging his hair. Sure, maybe I do see the people around me as enemies. Are you saying, after all, that my feeling of inferiority is something that I chose; that has some sort of goal? And from the time I was little, I was always compared to him. He is older and more advanced, so of course I could never beat him at anything.
Our parents did not care at all about such circumstances, and never gave me any sign of recognition. Whatever I did, I got treated like a child, and I was berated at every opportunity and told to be quiet. I learned to keep my feelings to myself. I really do understand how you feel. However, once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears. One is also released from the fear that says, Maybe I will lose.
The person who always has the will to help another in times of need—that is someone who may properly be called your comrade. No longer will you think of the world as a perilous place, or be plagued by needless doubts; the world will appear before you as a safe and pleasant place.
And your interpersonal relationship problems will decrease dramatically. Raised by strict parents, the youth had been oppressed and compared to his elder brother ever since childhood.
None of his opinions were ever heard, and he was subjected to the violent words that he was a poor excuse for a little brother. This youth who had passed his early years in such a way was truly an inhabitant of aetiology. If he had not been raised by those parents; if that elder brother had never existed; and if he had not attended that school, he could have had a brighter life. The youth had been trying to participate in the discussion as cool-headedly as possible, but now his many years of pent-up feelings came bursting out.
And people cannot break free from the past. Surely you realise that? We cannot go back to the past in a time machine.
As long as the past exists as the past, we live within contexts from the past. If one were to treat the past as something that does not exist, that would be the same as negating the entire life one has led. Are you suggesting I choose such an irresponsible life? But what kind of meaning does one attribute to past events? Last time, you said that people fabricate the emotion of anger, right? And that that is the standpoint of teleology. I still cannot accept that statement. For example, how would you explain instances of anger toward society, or anger toward government?
But I would say that rather than a sudden burst of emotion, it is indignation based on logic. Personal anger soon cools. Righteous indignation, on the other hand, lasts for a long time. Anger as an expression of a personal grudge is nothing but a tool for making others submit to you. In many cases, this is something done with the goal of getting attention, and will cease just before the adult gets genuinely angry.
However, if the child does not stop before the adult gets genuinely angry, then his goal is actually to get in a fight. He wants to prove his power by winning. Could you give me some concrete examples?
Is it only that he wants to discuss politics? No matter what the provocation, you must not get taken in. You can bash his nose in, the stupid fool. With words, that is. And then the other man, who was seeking to defeat you, withdraws in a sportsmanlike manner.
Having lost the dispute, he rushes onto the next stage. Though he has withdrawn for the time being, he will be scheming some revenge in another place and another form, and will reappear with an act of retaliation. In Freudian aetiology, this is regarded as simple cause and effect: the parents raised the child in this way, and that is why the child grew up to be like this.
But Adlerian teleology does not turn a blind eye to the goal that the child is hiding. That is to say, the goal of revenge on the parents. If he becomes a delinquent, stops going to school, cuts his wrists or things like that, the parents will be upset. It is in the knowledge that this will happen that the child engages in problem behaviour. So that the current goal revenge on the parents can be realised, not because he is motivated by past causes home environment.
There are probably a lot of people who feel mystified by seeing a child who cuts his wrists, and think, Why would he do such a thing? But try to think how the people around the child—the parents, for instance—will feel as a result of the behaviour of wrist-cutting. If you do, the goal behind the behaviour should come into view of its own accord. And once the interpersonal relationship reaches the revenge stage, it is almost impossible for either party to find a solution.
To prevent this from happening, when one is challenged to a power struggle, one must never allow oneself to be taken in. Do you just grin and bear it? When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction. That is the only thing we can do. In the first place, how would you say I should control my anger?
Because after all, anger is a tool. A means for achieving a goal. We can convey our thoughts and intentions and be accepted without any need for anger. If you learn to understand this experientially, the anger emotion will stop appearing, all on its own. Irascible people do not have short tempers—it is only that they do not know that there are effective communication tools other than anger. We end up relying on anger to communicate. We can communicate through language.
Believe in the power of language, and the language of logic. In every instance, no matter how much you might think you are right, try not to criticise the other party on that basis. This is an interpersonal relationship trap that many people fall into. That is to say, the other party is wrong. However, many people will rush into a power struggle, and try to make others submit to them.
Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles—none of these things is defeat. The pursuit of superiority is not something that is carried out through competition with other people. It clouds your judgement, and all you can see is imminent victory or defeat. Then you turn down the wrong path. I can see that the feeling of inferiority is an interpersonal relationship worry, and that it has certain effects on us. And I accept as logical the idea that life is not a competition.
I cannot see other people as comrades, and somewhere inside me I think of them as enemies. This is clearly the case. But the thing I find puzzling is, why does Adler place so much importance on interpersonal relationships? This is a crucial point. In Adlerian psychology, clear objectives are laid out for human behaviour and psychology.
Then, the objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviours are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades. During childhood, we are protected by our parents and can live without needing to work. But eventually, the time comes when one has to be self-reliant. Furthermore, in the process of growing up, one begins to have all kinds of friend relationships. Of course, one may form a love relationship with someone that may even lead to marriage.
If it does, one will start a marital relationship, and if one has children, a parent—child relationship will begin. Adler made three categories of the interpersonal relationships that arise out of these processes.
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